If Axl Can Move to the City... · Feb 20, 12:10 AM

This one goes out to everyone who lives in Manhattan (because that’s where I live now) and to people who live in Wicker Park in Chicago or the Mission in San Francisco. If you feel like your neighborhood has lost something, you’re probably right, but don’t get down. There’s wonderful stuff to do a train ride, an “L” ride, or a MUNI ride away. Take a field trip.

Go check out a Legs Contest in Queens. You want bottle service? They got it. $65 for a bottle of Jack Daniels to chill on your table while the mariachi band warms up the crowd. And you want to hang out with the talent? Here they are.

I work for a video sharing website that I know how to use but I don’t want to upload video from the night because if anyone has any suspicions about me, they will be confirmed. Use your imagination. I don’t know how old anybody is in these pictures but they were all in the Legs contest. I met one of them at a rowdy club on Queens Boulevard and then got to talking on the phone a bit. Here are the highlights: she is a stripper and a nurse, makes home visits to the elderly, before she was stripping she was assembling plastic rein deer and sending back put together ones for an extra $200 per week, her boyfriend is not nice-so she says.

(R. Kelly disclaimer:
There’s alot of guys out there blamin’ other cats
for takin they woman
Imma put it to you like this
I tell niggaz hey
Dont bring your woman to the club
Dont bring your main squeeze to the club
You what I’m sayin’?
Unless your game is tight
cuz if yo game aint tight
And a nigga walk in and his game is tight
Shiiit…you fuck around lose yo woman
you know what I’m sayin’?
If yo game aint tight
Quit bringin yo woman to these muthafuckin clubs dog
And blamin other niggaz for takin yo woman
Aint nobody take yo woman no way
If yo woman chose somebody else then shit yo game aint tight (uh huh…thas right)
So quit runnin around here bitchin
And tightin up ya game)

The Legs contest itself was sort of a bust. It ended with a lot of yelling over people not getting paid. When the commotion began I called Joel and Lewis who I used to work with at ICM. They are from Corona, and they had a ride, and they happened to be in the neighborhood. We flew to Manhattan bumpin’ the worst Eminem D12 c.d. but if someone is hyped on something I’ll get hyped too, and it was better than the Dave Matthews I had to listen to every morning Annie drove me to high school. I met Dave Matthew’s sister, Jane, later in life and she was so kind that it erased the trauma of hearing, “He wakes up in the morning, does his teeth bite to eat and he’s rolling,” when I only wanted to listen to the Raunchous Brothers. Thank you Jane.

— Albin

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